A while back ago, I posted a poem/song that I've now come to find out was rather depressing and frightening to some people close to me.
Know this: I am not suicidal nor depressed, and never have been.
But I am a girl. Who struggles with the way people view her, with loneliness, with feelings of unworthiness.
I often write championing the cause of waiting and letting God be the one to fill the void in our lives. But the thing is, I can write all I want, and still not believe it myself.
I struggle! I'm human! I'm not perfect.
And the devil knows this. He knows my weaknesses. Those feelings of unworthiness, the fear of being alone. And he knows exactly how to play them.
I purposely was vague in that post, not wanting to offend or cause guilt to some friends of mine. You see, I spoke of prom.
Oh the feelings of dread and joy associated with that word. An American tradition gone horribly awry.
You see, no one had asked me to go to the prom.
Now, many people might say "Just go with your friends as a group!" And many people did say that. But to me, and perhaps I was seeing a little too deeply into this, prom wasn't about the party. It wasn't about the limos, the dresses, the music.
It was about being asked. Asked to dance. Considered worthy enough to be asked.
And I wasn't asked. I didn't go. And I didn't dance.
That night I sat at home listening to depressing music, watching pictures of prom go up on facebook, and all I could think was, "Why didn't they ask...? What kept them from asking me...? Am I so undesirable to have as a date?"
And I forgot what mattered the most. I forgot how I had encouraged so many young girls to wait through highschool to date. I forgot my own commitment to wait. I forgot about the one God has waiting for me. I forgot about the ONE above who was quietly whispering, "I already asked."
And instead, I wrote that song. I vented my grief and despair over never having another prom (for I graduate this week) to go to, never being asked to dance. I let Satan have his way with my weaknesses. I let him manipulate those feelings of loneliness and unworthiness and that seeped in through the pictures on facebook, my friends innocent comments, their unconscious actions.
How could they have known? But I blamed them. And wallowed that night.
Yet the song has two lines at the end that "go up". Maybe. But they weren't heartfelt. They were done out of obligation to keep up the profile, the image people had known me for.
So why do I write this?
I write this to show that even those who proclaim to be strong and untouchable, those who seem perfect and we put on a pedastool... we're not immune.
That night God brought several girls online to talk to me. Each one had been touched by what I wrote and I was able to be ministered by them! and to them. I saw, and they saw, that we are not alone. And by that, one lie was conquered. Loneliness.
I went to my writers forum, and in the midst of my tears, God brought out a batch of "thank yous". Fellow brothers in Christ thanked me for being an example of a heart for the Lord and for the love God had given me for them. And with that, another lie was conquered. Unworthiness.
What Satan meant for evil, God meant for His glory.
Amen and Amen.