Moving forward...

I would like to announce the transferal of my blog to tumblr.

You can now find my microblog, "Vague Recollections of a Future Life" here: http://vaguerecollectionsofafuturelife.tumblr.com/

It's easier for me to blog more often with tumblr. Sorry for the inconvenience, but I hope you enjoy it and look forward to seeing you all on it.

Ever,

Changing us, Calling us...

Music has always been a major force for me. Both in life situations, worship, and in God pouring out His word over me. I thought I'd share a few songs that have really impacted me recently in massive ways. Please please please listen to the lyrics. Actually watching the video isn't necessary, but listen to what they say. I know, I know. It's like 15 minutes. But if you're reading my blog, I think you can spare 15 minutes with this in the back ground. ;) Even if you're just checking emails. :P

First song: Tear Down the Walls by Hillsong United

The first time I heard this song, it was being sung by the excellent Jeff Henry (middle school minister at my church) during our "back to school bash". They had heard it at youth camp over the summer and as I heard 300+ students screaming out these lyrics, it floored me and never left me the same. I love this song and every time I hear it I just want to get up and scream it. :) And yes, a little dancing in front of the mirror while lip-syncing to it has occurred. :P Song and lyrics. Sing along with me. Possibly even in front of a mirror. ;)

Tear down the walls see the world

Is there something we have missed

Turn from ourselves

Look beyond

There is so much more than this

And I don't need to see it to believe it

I dont need to see it to believe it

Cause I cant shake this

Fire deep inside my heart

Look to the skies hope arise

See His majesty revealed

More than this life there is love

There is hope and this is real

Cause I dont need to see it to believe it

I dont need to see it to believe it

Cause I cant shake this fire burning

Deep inside my heart

This life is Yours and hope is rising

As Your glory floods our hearts

Let love tear down these walls

That all creation would

Come back to You

Its all for You

Your Name is glorious

Glorious

Your love is changing us

Calling us

To worship in spirit and in truth

As all creation returns to You

Oh for all the sons and daughters

Who are walking in the darkness

You are calling us to lead them back to You

We will see Your spirit rising

As the lost come out of hiding

Every heart will see this hope we have in You

*************

Second song: Burn for You by Fee

This second one has really inspired me recently and made me beg the question, "Am I just singing this? Or do I really, REALLY mean it? And if I do, how will that look in my life?" More about this in the future, hopefully, but in the meantime, enjoy the song. And ask yourself the same thing I asked myself.

There's a stirring in my heart

Unexplainable

There's a calling on my days

Undeniable, yeah

And there's a fire in my bones

Uncontainable

And it's causing me to burn

It's causing me to burn

It's causing me to burn

For you

I'll go anywhere

I'll do anything

At any cost for you

My King

There's a passion in my heart

For the world to see

Revival fires burn

A great awakening

And there's a raging fire inside

This soul of mine

And it's causing me to burn

It's causing me to burn

It's causing me to burn

For you, yeah

Oh, burn for you

Yeah, burn for you

To the ends of the earth

To the ends of the earth

To the farthest part

Til every heart has heard

To the ends of the earth

To the ends of the earth

To the farthest part

Til every heart has heard

There's a stirring in my heart

Unexplainable

And there's a calling on my days

Undeniable

And there's a fire in my bones

Uncontainable

And it's causing me to burn

It's causing me to burn

It's causing me to burn

For you

Burn for you

Yeah, burn for you

Oh, burn

Burn for you

Yeah, burn

Burn for you

To the ends of the earth

**********

Third song: Arms Wide Open by Hillsong (again)

I first heard this song from my sister. She's always nagging me to listen to some song or another, but for some reason I relented and listened to it. I'm so glad I did. We played it on repeat for about three hours as we reviewed Greek and Latin nouns. It's now one of my most favorite songs in the world and I love the part they all scream out. And to mean it! Do we mean it? And yet again what does that look like in our lives if we TRULY live that way?

Take my life I lay it down

At the cross where I am found

All I have I give to You oh God

Take my hands and make them clean

Keep my heart in purity

That I may walk in all You have for me

Oh here I stand

Arms open wide

Oh I am Yours

And You are mine

Take my moments and my days

Let each breath that I take

Be ever only for You oh God

Oh here I stand

Arms open wide

Oh I am Yours

And You are mine

My whole life is Yours

I give it all

Surrendered to Your Name

And forever I will pray

Have Your way

Have Your way

Oh here I stand

Arms open wide

Oh I am Yours

And You are mine

**********

So scream them out load to the sky, lip sync them in front of the mirror, whisper them a thousand times in the night, but above all, MEAN them. Words are worthless if they have no meaning behind them, and so are our lives.

An explanation..

A while back ago, I posted a poem/song that I've now come to find out was rather depressing and frightening to some people close to me.

Know this: I am not suicidal nor depressed, and never have been.

But I am a girl. Who struggles with the way people view her, with loneliness, with feelings of unworthiness.

I often write championing the cause of waiting and letting God be the one to fill the void in our lives. But the thing is, I can write all I want, and still not believe it myself.

I struggle! I'm human! I'm not perfect.

And the devil knows this. He knows my weaknesses. Those feelings of unworthiness, the fear of being alone. And he knows exactly how to play them.

I purposely was vague in that post, not wanting to offend or cause guilt to some friends of mine. You see, I spoke of prom.

Prom.

Oh the feelings of dread and joy associated with that word. An American tradition gone horribly awry.

You see, no one had asked me to go to the prom.

Now, many people might say "Just go with your friends as a group!" And many people did say that. But to me, and perhaps I was seeing a little too deeply into this, prom wasn't about the party. It wasn't about the limos, the dresses, the music.

It was about being asked. Asked to dance. Considered worthy enough to be asked.

And I wasn't asked. I didn't go. And I didn't dance.

That night I sat at home listening to depressing music, watching pictures of prom go up on facebook, and all I could think was, "Why didn't they ask...? What kept them from asking me...? Am I so undesirable to have as a date?"

And I forgot what mattered the most. I forgot how I had encouraged so many young girls to wait through highschool to date. I forgot my own commitment to wait. I forgot about the one God has waiting for me. I forgot about the ONE above who was quietly whispering, "I already asked."

And instead, I wrote that song. I vented my grief and despair over never having another prom (for I graduate this week) to go to, never being asked to dance. I let Satan have his way with my weaknesses. I let him manipulate those feelings of loneliness and unworthiness and that seeped in through the pictures on facebook, my friends innocent comments, their unconscious actions.

How could they have known? But I blamed them. And wallowed that night.

Yet the song has two lines at the end that "go up". Maybe. But they weren't heartfelt. They were done out of obligation to keep up the profile, the image people had known me for.

So why do I write this?

I write this to show that even those who proclaim to be strong and untouchable, those who seem perfect and we put on a pedastool... we're not immune.

That night God brought several girls online to talk to me. Each one had been touched by what I wrote and I was able to be ministered by them! and to them. I saw, and they saw, that we are not alone. And by that, one lie was conquered. Loneliness.

I went to my writers forum, and in the midst of my tears, God brought out a batch of "thank yous". Fellow brothers in Christ thanked me for being an example of a heart for the Lord and for the love God had given me for them. And with that, another lie was conquered. Unworthiness.

What Satan meant for evil, God meant for His glory.

Amen and Amen.

Oh, death, where is your sting?

Let no one caught in sin remain
Inside the lie of inward shame
We fix our eyes upon the cross
And run to Him who showed great love

And bled for us
Freely You've bled for us

Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave

Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with Him again
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave

Beneath the weight of all our sin
You bowed to none but Heaven's will
No scheme of Hell, no scoffer's crown
No burden great can hold You down

In strength You reign
Forever let Your church proclaim

Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave

Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with Him again
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave

O death, where is your sting?
O hell, where is your victory?
O church, come stand in the light
The glory of God has defeated the night

Sing it, o death, where is your sting?
O hell, where is your victory?
O church, come stand in the light
Our God is not dead, He's alive, He's alive

Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave

Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with Him again
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave

Christ is risen from the dead
Trampling over death by death
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave

Christ is risen from the dead
We are one with Him again
Come awake, come awake
Come and rise up from the grave
Rise up from the grave

Good Friday

"I see you there hanging on a tree
You bled and then you died and then you rose again for me
Now you are sitting on Your heavenly throne
Soon we will be coming home
You're beautiful, you're beautiful

When we arrive at eternity's shore
Where death is just a memory and tears are no more
We'll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together and we'll sing
You're beautiful, You're beautiful, You're beautiful."
-You're Beautiful by Phil Wickham

A cry..

Tonight I'm on my own.

No one has asked me to dance.

There are no men to take me,

nor any friends willing.

I am alone and I cry out. I want to dance! I want to be chosen!

But none do.

It's the last time.

Before I know it the days will have passed.

And the chance to go is gone.

Beyond my reach and unattainable.

I am alone and I cry out. I want to dance! I want to be chosen!

Will anyone choose me?

Everyone leaves, in their pretty little couples.

Dressed to the nines, flowers in hand.

They post smiling pictures, sharing their experience.

An experience I'll never have.

I am alone and I cry out! I want to dance! I want to be chosen!

Please! Does anyone want me?

I'm told they don't deserve me.

That it'll be boring.

Does the location, the music, matter?

I just want someone to want me. To choose me.

I am alone and I cry out! I want to dance! I want to be chosen!

No one chooses me.

They are oblivious to the wounds it inflicts.

Their smiling faces and photographs.

Unconscious that of the way

All this brings up old scars.

I am alone and I cry out! I want to dance! I want to be chosen!

No one thinks to ask me.

I am vanilla pudding.

The girl next door.

Everyone's friend.

Why would they ask me?

I am alone and I cry out! I want to dance! I want to be chosen!

What keeps me from being chosen?

The chance comes and goes.

The dresses are put away.

I go to the dinner alone,

No one by my side.

I am alone and I cry out. I wanted to chance, but I wasn't chosen.

I am abandoned.

These years are nearly up.

Yet I've never once been asked.

The pain gets buried again,

And these wounds are never healed.

I am alone and I cry out for you! Where are you? The prince of my stories?

Why haven't you come?

How much longer do I have to wait?

Wait to be asked?

Would you even ask?

Would you even dance?

I am alone, waiting for you. Come fast, come quick. My heart wearies.

Are you on the horizon?

But I wait.

Cheeks tear-stained and eyes blurred.

Dearest, Darling, My Love.

Ask me to dance.

Join me, heal me, sooth the wounds and chase away the fears. Come blessed by love and The Almighty.

Answer my cry.

An Apology

To the men in my life, and those who know me by name and sight:

I have an apology to make to you. I have not put you first.

I have deliberately ignored the fact that guys look at me daily, the fact that I have an impact on those around me, the fact that the way I dress can influence it all.

I'm sorry for not viewing you as a brother in Christ, and for causing you to stray or stumble.

I'm sorry for dressing in a way that is relieving, distracting, and immodest.

I have instead sought what was comfortable or looked popular in magazines. I gave no thought to how much skin was showing, what would happen if I bent over, if i was revealing something that should be saved for my husband.

And by doing so, I am at fault. I have seen you as an object to please, to receive attention from, and to show off to.

I am so, so sorry.

You are my brothers in Christ. Worthy of the respect and love that comes with consciously acting and dressing in a way that only furthers your respect for women, your sisters in Christ, and God himself. I should be doing my best to lead you on a higher path, on without shame or lust. One of purity and virtue.

So I ask you to forgive me. For any outfit, act, or word that has had negative consequences in your life.

It is my goal to only further your walk with your Maker and to enhance the spiritual beauty of other sisters in Christ, that respect might be the first thing in your mind, instead of physicality.

Today I have been convicted and I stand before you with sorrow for what I have done. But I look to the future with hope, and I pray you do too.

To be...

A while back I was asked what kind of woman I want to be. And frankly, I've thought about it here and there, but when I actually sat down to write it, I was surprised at how much like my mother I want to be. So here's to you Mumsie, for raising a daughter that could only wish to live in your shadow.

"I've always wanted to be an "artsy" person, and considering I've already achieved that, :P I hope to have it transferred into several aspects of my life.

I want to be the kind of wife/woman who decorates her home and her life with color, joy, and a love for all things living. I like the color green, because it represents living things. It's vibrant and clean.

I want to use it all throughout my home.

But I also want to BE green. Sorry if that's cheesy, but I see no reason with using fewer chemicals and rating organically.

I want to be healthy and fit, spontaneous and playful for my husband.

I want to cook for and with him, take long walks and have tickle fights.

I want to do little things for him all day long that brighten his day.

I want to cherish, honor, and respect him.

I want to have a big family and raise my children inter fear and admonition of the Lord.

I want them to be free to be themselves.

I want them to not have to live the way I did middle school, obsessed with what people thought of me, and whether or not I was worthy.

I want to show them what an amazing gift each if them are in the sight of the Lord and their parents.
I want to bake home made bread like mom.

I want to have a bug herb garden.

I want to have picnics in the backyard for no reason.

I want to build tents with all the quilts.

I want to let my little girls go out to eat in tutus and feather boas.

I want to make mud pies with my little boys.

I want to take then to reenactments and see then run around in breeches and petticoats.

I want to be what mom is to me: my closest confidant and biggest encourager.

I want to write stories for their bedtimes and stay up late with them drinking cocoa and reading books on Christmas.

I want to have family game nights that end with entire family pillow fights.

I want to serve, my church, my community, my world. I want to be a woman that gives, gives, and gives again.

I want to instill that passion for missions into my kids, and show them how much God loves his people.

I want to have a constantly full cookie jar.

I want music to be constantly playing. Whether I'm singing at the top of my lungs (and horribly out of tune) or someone playing an instrument.

I want dirty footprints and cotton curtains, open doors and windows, and jars full of butterflies.

I want to my children to know the Lord at a young age, and to LIVE their faith from a young age, and to not have waited to let the Lord do something in their lives until they were "older".

I might homeschool, I might not. But whatever I do, I want my kids to know their faith and to be fearless and to stand up for what they believe.

I want to the mother that all my kids' friends love and hang out at my house.

I want to be crazy in love with my husband and to wake up every morning to his face.

I want to spend time with him in the morning on the back porch, watching the sunrise, drinking my tea and digging deep in His word.

I'm an idealist, and I don't want the picket fence, but I want my country cottage and a man who lives the Lord and me, and children who follow the example of their father.

I want to love, be loved, and give love."

A Rant on Perfection

Recently, I had the privilege, okay maybe the vexation, of having several conversations on a certain male pop star around the age of 16. Now, I won't name any names in deference to my mother, and certain fanatic friends.

But I have a problem to pick with this guy. The problem is, he claims to be a Christian. And yet, in several interviews, his stand on specific values championed by other Christians is far from the mark.

Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against the fella's musical ability (although I don't happen to like his genre per se). I applaud the guy (in an age of Hannah Montana's and Jonas Brothers) for being yet another 12 year old crush inducer and still having the gumption to make a 3-d movie. Bravo. And yes, he should've won the New Artist of the Year award for the...um...whatever it was.

Until someone said something that got under my skin.

"Well, you can't expect him to be perfect!"

I can't? Isn't that what Christ expects of us....? Now, tell me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure that we are all held to a standard of perfection by God Almighty. We are to strive daily to meet that.

You tell me that I'm not perfect. That no one can meet that standard. Right you are.

We are flawed. All humankind, from the moment of the Fall has been flawed. We can't be perfect. At least, not on our own. God has given us a standard as Christians to constantly fight to be. But we can't without Christ.

And in a young man who claims to be a Christian...I don't see this at all.

If your heart's desire is to be a man or woman fully devoted at following after your Lord, otherwise known as a Christian, perfection should be your goal! When young people in the media make a claim that may or may not be true in order to garner more fans or become "okay" with parents of tweens, this isn't true faith! We see what we want to! Another role model who's values are wishy washy and who's music is safe.

But for how long?

When another teen pop icon dropped her supposed "Christian girl" image for one of blatant pornagraphic suggestiveness, I lost my faith in teen pop icons. If this is the image the world has of us, no wonder they look down. We are represented by a generation of weak-minded teenagers who's only care is their reputation. Not the Lord's.

I am sick and tired of people supporting a standard so far below the one that is outlined in the Word.

I admit. I am a flawed, sinful, wretched sinner. I can't sing worth a wit. I have no talent for dancing on stage in front of thousands. I can't become a boy magnet by flaunting what little body I have.

When I see a young person finally stand up, stake their claim as a Christian, perform, proclaim their values, and then campaign for them, THEN, and only then, will I support them.

True Christians live out their faith, and strive for perfection. All the others give wishy washy answers in Rolling Stones and settle for "good enough".

To all those single ladies on the Great Day of Love...

Several times recently, the topic of beauty has been brought up amongst my friends and I.

And as a person who struggled (and struggles) daily with a low self image, I know what it's like to view yourself as

[worthless] and [inferior.]

So what do we as women of God do to defend against these feeling of worthlessness? We turn to make up, hair products, new clothes, and body treatments. Many people have opinions on why we do this, but as a single woman, I can say that mine is a little different.

I want to be cherished. I want to be cherished by a man of God who delights himself in the love and law of the Lord. But as it happens, I don't have a husband, boyfriend or fiancé to do that for me. And so I turn to myself to cherish myself. Which results in make up, hair products, clothes, (even flowers!) that I buy myself so I will feel cherished.

There's something wrong with this picture though. I'm not allowing myself to be cherished by someone else, when I'm so busy cherishing myself.

Because you see, someone is cherishing me.

And He finds me ravishing and gorgeous and perfectly suited to His tastes in women: Clothed in white garments and washed by the blood of the Lamb.

I hide, like a frightened child behind a mask of chemicals, oils, and elixirs, trying to disguise the beauty God has given me with something fake and false that is akin to the perfection we see in

[Barbie dolls] and [Disney Princesses.]

Have we truly let beauty be equated to plastic toys that could be used as toothpicks and animated figures of fabled legends? Where did the timeless beauty of

the Shulamite in Song of Songs go?

What happened to her abandonment to love?

Or the beauty of Ruth?

That singular trust and obedience of a submissive spirit to her Lord's will?

Or the beauty of Esther?

The confidence and faith of a woman sold out to her Savior?

Are these attributes considered ugly and unlikable? I think not. God said in 1st Peter that the kind of spiritual beauty the women listed above had was a

"...precious thing...of great worth in the eyes of God.."

that he will

"...delight over you with singing and great joy..."

(Zephaniah).

If we have the joy and delight of God in the light of being His precious creation are we blaspheming God and saying that what He created is "not good" simply cause we aren't idolized as a child's toy?

God created the woman out of the rib of Adam and said it was very good. We took nothing away, nor added a thing.

If God didn't, who are we to do so?

I admit. I am guilty of this constantly. But what kind of mask are you hiding behind? Are you a slave to the perfection of a finicky world? Or are you using the things provided you, as Esther did with the beauty treatments Xerxes provided, to merely enhance and let your glorious and true beauty shine?

Esther may have been beautiful, but what was she remembered for in the long run?

Her beauty?

Two questions for you to think about:

1. Do you fall victim to these lies? If so why kind of mask do you hide behind and why?

2. Are you calling God a liar? Do you deny His proclamation of your beauty? Is so, why do you think that is, and what could you change to stop that?

[Twist back the image of beauty the world has brainwashed you with.]